Overcoming Myself and My Own Understanding

Today was difficult. I was left with confusion, regret, and discouragement gnawing at my heart and my mind. I was on the verge of throwing in the towel, giving up. I wanted so badly to give up. I didn't want to die or anything; I almost wanted to give up on pursing my dreams. I think that this was the lowest point of my life, mentally and spiritually. I was so overwhelmed with the pressures of my life. I was worried about my bills, my mom, my disobedience, and my incompetent career as an actor and singer. It just looked like nothing was turning out quite like I expected it. The option of going back to Belmont was becoming an option. I was considering going back to my comfort zone.


I was so overcome with discouragement that I couldn’t think correctly. Hope seemed to have left me, while trouble seemed to keep following me. I felt like I was destined for pain and misfortune. I felt like I was destined to struggle. While others were living their dreams I was struggling. I just felt like God was forgetting all about me.

On 33rd street, I bumped into one of my friends from Missouri Boy’s State. I couldn’t believe that I just recognized him in a sea of people. The world is not big at all. We started to catch up while we were on the subway; I was on my way to a August Wilson Symposium. I started to spill my life to Havis; I didn’t mean to, but I had to talk to someone. Across from us was this black woman who seemed to have a permanent smile on her face. Her face was very kind.

Before I reached my stop, the woman reached over and gave me some index cards with scriptures from James written on them. “You Betta Preach,” was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I was so taken back by God’s ability to remind me that He is still there in the midst. At that moment I felt like everything was going to be just fine; He has my back.

The symposium was amazing. It was exactly what I needed; I needed some kind of inspiration. Robert O’Meally( author of "Lady Day: The Many Faces of Billie Holiday) was there, Kevin Carroll (Broadway actor), and most importantly, Ruben Santiago-Hudson (Lackawanna Blues) was there. I was on cloud 9. Y'all know how much I love Lackawanna Blues!To hear them talk passionately about the works of Mr. August Wilson left me in awe. They talked with so much conviction and passion.

The evening became a theatrical workshop when Ruben and Kevin tag teamed monologues and dialogues from some Mr. Wilson’s plays. I was on the edge of my seat taking notes. I couldn’t believe that I was experiencing this. They both got lost in August’ way of conveying the African American experience through rhythm. “It’s all about the rhythm. You have to work towards the thought of what the character is trying to say,” Ruben explained. August’s plays were like music. It captivated people and changed lives just like music does. I was eating this all up.

At the end of the symposium, I had to meet Mr. Santiago-Hudson. He was a major influence on me as an actor. I walked up to him, shook his hand and fell apart. I was so emotionally unstable at this moment, but I had to talk to him. “Sir, I’m so influenced by you. I loved your work in Lackawanna Blues.” My nerves began to rob me of what I wanted to say. In order to combat the incompetence to speak I had to say exactly how I felt. “Sir, (sigh) I want to learn from you.... and I don’t know if it is possible… I wouldn’t care if you just wanted to share with me about a certain blues song… it doesn’t matter.” At this moment, I lost myself. “Sir, I just moved to New York in August to follow my dreams as an actor and a singer. But recently, it’s been hard.” My eyes began to water, “ today was very discouraging. My dream is so big that I don’t know how to start pursuing it. I came to this symposium to get that encouragement, that inspiration that I needed.”

He smiled at me. I just knew that he was thinking that I was a lunatic. “I know what you are going through; I was once there. Here, take down my email address so we could get some coffee or tea and talk.” I was about to fall out. “You know I have a blues band, I might let you come and sing with us some time. Keep in contact with me.”
At that moment, the moment when my eyes started to tear up, I realized that I was equally passionate about acting ust as I am about music. I knew at that moment that I seriously want to pursue acting too. When the tears started to form, I was like, “where did that come from?” I was passionate about it.

I was crying out to Mr. Santiago-Hudson. I just wanted someone to take me seriously and see my heart, my determination. I wanted guidance. I wanted wisdom. I will never forget that experience. God knew exactly what I needed.
I realized that today was the breaking point that people must go through when they pursue their dreams. This sort of breaking point is what separates the soldiers from the ordinary people. You have to go through this period of darkness and warfare in order for the dream to develop into your reality. Most of the time, people retreat when this period comes into their lives. I couldn’t give up. As much as I wanted to give up there was something inside me saying, “Ra, you can’t give up.” I seriously couldn’t give up. God has me in New York for a reason. I have to just give everything to him, all of my problems. I have to be still and watch Him work. I’m going to be ok. He said, that He would finish the work that he started in me. He would give me the desires of my heart. I am a performer who is joint heir to the King who owns cattle on a thousand hills. I will be just fine.

I have to claim my dreams!

Yours,

Ra
P.S. If you haven't seen Lackawanna Blues you are definately sleep. WAKE UP!!!

In a Room of Legends

Last week I attended the Ella Fitzgerald Postage Stamp Unveiling at Jazz at the Lincoln Center. It was amazing. The Julliard Quartet played beautifully as we came into the Theatre. Guess what? Nancy Wilson was the Mistress of Ceremony. I was tripping out. I have so many of her records on vinyl. The woman is amazing. She speaks with a wit and regal voice. She speaks as a queen might speak. She is truly a legend.
The cermony went on with tribute to the "First Lady of Song," it was beautiful. I was in a room of legend. There were times that I felt like I didn't belong, but I was sure that God was just giving me a glimpse of my future. Those who attended the ceremony: Duke Ellington's Grandaughter, Mercedes Ellington, Paul Roberson's son, Paul Roberson Jr., James Moody, Gerald Wilson, John Levy (manager of Nancy Wilson, Donny Hathaway, Sarah Vaughan, Roberta Flack), and Ella's son, Ray Brown, Jr. I was about to go crazy. I couldn't believe that I was witnessing this.
After the ceremony, I stood around trying to take it all in. I wanted so badly to meet these legnds. I walked over to the stage and saw Nancy Wilson walking down the stairs. So I took her hand and helped her. I was like a little kid. I said, "Ms. Wilson, I'm trying to get my words together. I just moved to New York to go for my dream as a entertainer. It is an honor to finally meet you. Do you mind if I take a picture with you?" She laughed as I took my cell phone out. "Boy, those camera phones take horrible pictures," she laughed. It was the most amazing experience in my life. So y'all dreams do come true, but you have to believe that they will.
Ra

P.S. Check out one of Nancy's earlier performances: http://youtube.com/watch?v=nOD77qSBWeg

It's Been A Long, Long Time.

Hey y'all,
It's been a while; I'm sorry. What's good, people!!!??? Everything is good in my neck of the woods. Let's see... how can I recap all that's been going on. Hmmm.... let's start with today. I had my first audition today; The Lion King were holding a open call audition this afternoon. It was mad talent in the place. I'm talking about people who can sang there butts off.


My nerves were on edge until I got to the door of the audition room. I felt peace. I I had to remember that no one could take away what God called me to do. I couldn't let anyone rob me of the passion that woke me up every morning. What could man do? Once I stopped and just gave it over to the Lord, an utter peace came over me. I walked in ready to sing my 8 bar song; the fear had faded.
I couldn't believe that I auditioned. I finally pushed myself out there and went for it. I was overjoyed. I didn't care if I got a part or not; I was going for my dream. Just singing in front of someone brought me joy. I was so excited. Well, keep praying for me y'all, I have another audition tomorrow.


Guess what?? I met Ornette Coleman today at a deli. If you don't know who he is look him up. I was tripping out!!!! Sorry this entry is all over the place, but who cares.

Well, I will keep you posted on what's going on. Feel free to drop me a line when you can.
I'm @ the B.E.A.C.H. (Basking Everlasting After Choosing Heaven),
RA